My girlfriend is still suffering from past trauma

Dear Pastor,

I have written to you before about my ex; thankfully I am over her. Thank you for your advice.

I look to you as a father figure. I am writing to you now because I have found another girl. However, she is very broken. She went through so much in her childhood. Pastor, I really love this girl; she is gentle and she brings out my masculine side. She is honest and honesty is hard to find in this generation. I have never been the outspoken partner, but here I am standing up for her. We are currently enrolled in HEART/NSTA Trust completing a course. But she is just too broken. She was referred to therapy; however, she has not attended any sessions.

She is the strongest girl I have ever met. I want to marry her, but she just won't allow me to fully commit myself to her due to her past problems. She thinks that she is not good enough for me, but she is perfect. She used to express herself, but I was too selfish to listen. Now she opens up periodically, and I know she still cares. She ensures that I am doing well. I want to help her financially, but she doesn't know that I am starting over afresh. I gave all my appliances and furniture to charity. So, I told her to wait and she says she will see because I am full of promises. It is a pity she doesn't know how much I will care for her. She is scared of hurting me now, but I told her that because I got a chance to actually love again, if she hurts me, at least I would have lived happily while I loved her.

She just needs some mental help. There is a six-year age gap between us, but that is the biggest flaw about our relationship. I was very harsh when I first started dating her, but after getting to know her, I realised that she is the one I should be with. So I stopped doing all these egotistical, disrespectful things. Do you think that I should leave her or can we get the help and build a long lasting future together?

Recently she said she feels numb towards me, but I have never felt more attracted to her. To be honest, I have always wanted a soft and beautiful wife and this girl is the full package. Other females have tried to seduce me and tried to disrespect her. They have tried to spread rumours about her, but as I said, she is very strong. I wish I could take away her pain; no one deserves to go through so much. I don't know what to do. I know she can be healed. It will take time but she is always getting hurt from family and strangers. I can't do it alone, so I am seeking your advice. What should I do? I await your expertise and keep up the good work. I hope one day you can officiate at my wedding.

K.K.

Dear K.K.,

I believe that you mean well, but if you truly love this girl, you should try your best to encourage her to undergo therapy.

You said she was advised to seek professional help, but she has not yet started. You are trying, in your way, to become the therapist, but you are not trained in that area. So you should not try to take the place of a psychiatrist or a psychologist. You suspect, however, that she has a mental problem. So if the love that you have for her is genuine, you should do your best to have her see the professional to whom she was referred.

Please do not blame anybody for this young woman's problems. A good relationship takes time. You have also had your problems and you have not yet been totally healed, emotionally and psychologically. So, be careful what you do and say and how you handle this new love life. I am not going to say any more on this matter, apart from emphasising that you encourage this young woman to get the help that she needs.

Pastor