My husband watches me like a hawk

Dear Pastor,

I have been married for three and half years to a much older man. When I was a young girl, I said I did not want any man in my age group because everyone I met only wanted sex.

Some of them got me to do things that I did not know that I would do. So after the last young man threatened to shoot me in my private parts if I did not give him sex, I complied and I told myself I would never want a man in my age group. The thing about it is, guys in my age group didn't have anything to give me. If you say to a young guy that you're hungry, he might buy you a box food or a two-piece chicken and chips meal. After that he wants to ride your stomach. By the time he is finished, you are hungry again. So I stopped dating guys in my age group. I dated older men and I had better luck with them.

I got married to one of them; he is 20 years older than me. The problem is, he is very controlling. He has two jobs and so he is in and out of the house. He doesn't have much time to spend with me except on weekends. But he wants me to always be at home. I have good female friends and whenever I tell him that I am going out with them, he wants to know if we are going out to look men. He said these girls nowadays cannot be trusted, but I know I can be.

This man supports me very well, so I don't intend to cheat on him. I try to tell him where I am going and with whom, so he can always check up on me. I went to a concert and my husband left his job and came to the concert just to find out if I was there. Do you think this man trusts me?

I am 25. I don't have children but my husband has three. I would love for him to get me pregnant. We do not use protection. My mother is always encouraging me. She likes my husband. My mother was never married. Every day she tells me I should obey my husband. I am not disobeying him, but I just want him to trust me and for him to remember that I am not an old woman, so I have to go out with my friends. On weekends when my husband is at home, he spends most of his time watching sports. He does not even help me with household chores.

I go to church on Saturdays and when I get home and we eat, he then watches the news. As soon as we hit the bed and we have some sex, he goes to sleep. He says sex puts him to bed. One of my friends told me that he sleeps so much because of his age. I love him, but I want a little more freedom.

K.R.

Dear K.R.,

You say that your husband is 20 years your senior and you are 25, so he is not really an old man.

If he has two jobs, he is a busy man. I have observed that men who are in love with much younger women, often question whether these women can be trusted. Some of the men have very good reasons for questioning the loyalty and faithfulness of these women. On the other hand, there are women who would not even look at a young man after they have started a relationship with a much older man.

What I suggest is that you learn to cherish the relationship you are having with your husband. Both of you should sit together and discuss your plans for each month. Insist that you should write these things down. You say you are always at home. I suggest that during the week, you go for walks after work. You could ask a couple of neighbours to join you. Make sure you carry your phone with you. When you plan activities for the month, make sure you include taking in a couple of plays. Take the initiative and buy the tickets and remind your husband several times that on such and such a date, you are going out together.

You think your husband does not trust you, but I think that if he did not trust you, he would not have married you. But you have to understand that some women take pleasure in cheating on men. I remember years ago there was a married woman whom I had great respect for her. But I lost respect for her when she said "Women should give men bun." I was shocked. She added "Yes, they should get it, they should get it."

You are anxious to get a child; don't give up on that. I wish you well.

Pastor